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Aug. 26th, 2013
On the ride home I put on music that usually makes me tear up(yeah yeah). This is generally a bad idea when driving, especially in heavy traffic with troopers everywhere.
I wanted, still want, something to strike me and penetrate and loosen up some of this backlog of psychic strain- so, fire your cannons please. Ramming speed. I'd like nothing more than to be cracked open and spilled all over the floor. My default, this calm reserve, seems stifling now. But so deeply ingrained. Childhood defenses.
Suspect I have been seeing opposition where there is none, interpreting playful comments from friends as attacks, getting hooked on imaginary barbs... I'm usually good at spotting these distortions and bumbling on in feigned self ignorance, but these past few days I've nursed momentary grudges instead and lashed out in my subtle ways- I'm good at stinging back, despite my instantaneous regret. Not particularly fond of this aspect of myself. These weapons and my sudden eagerness to use them. Delight in destruction.
Welcome rain this morning, I stood for a few minutes next to the car face turned up almost smiling.
I wanted, still want, something to strike me and penetrate and loosen up some of this backlog of psychic strain- so, fire your cannons please. Ramming speed. I'd like nothing more than to be cracked open and spilled all over the floor. My default, this calm reserve, seems stifling now. But so deeply ingrained. Childhood defenses.
Suspect I have been seeing opposition where there is none, interpreting playful comments from friends as attacks, getting hooked on imaginary barbs... I'm usually good at spotting these distortions and bumbling on in feigned self ignorance, but these past few days I've nursed momentary grudges instead and lashed out in my subtle ways- I'm good at stinging back, despite my instantaneous regret. Not particularly fond of this aspect of myself. These weapons and my sudden eagerness to use them. Delight in destruction.
Welcome rain this morning, I stood for a few minutes next to the car face turned up almost smiling.