Nov. 30th, 2014

I gave official notice in Helvetica Neue. Terse and crisply polite. Use mirror language in official responses, words like renew, terminate, reside, communicate, inform, deposit. Words like bondage. Magic scrolls. Sealed by signature, by a close touch, this was me, I was here, really I was! Use two stamps because hasn't the rate increased. It must have? It always does. Use two stamps to be sure. Be sure.

My equanimity is rarely in doubt. Like most people I stumble from one divine faux pas to another, like most people I writhe in anxious paroxysms- from time to time. For brief periods. Like anyone else I have my. Moments. I've been there.

But when I've decided, and isn't that the trick, when I've decided, really, not in the sense of choosing pickles over rats though, I would. Y'know. Go with the pickles. But

The world asks: shouldn't you be nervous?

And at first I agree! Yes! Yes I should be nervous! Why am I not nervous!? And I become quite excited for a moment maybe rubbing my beard and dragging tangles out of my hair and even getting up! Getting up and pacing! Then

I remember that I'm not, in fact, nervous. I remember that this is interesting but not panic worthy, that I am not-nervous for very good reasons.

Part of it must be luck. Or at least. Chance. I'm less excitable than most people I meet, I don't often reach the high spirits of others when exposed to identical stimuli. I don't often reach the apparent lows either. So that's nice, or not, depending-

Part of it is that I made this decision already. I put that letter in that mailbox months ago. I put that letter in mailboxes all over the east. In Tupelo. In New York. In some valley in Virginia. On the Gulf at night. Sinking in sand. Dead tired hotel in Maryland. At sunsets and sunrises. I sealed that envelope already, on your couch that-one-day, sun cut to bars through window shades. I moved out of this apartment soon after signing the lease. Now. Now I finally stop paying rent.

I'm not nervous about moving because I've already moved. What's changing is how often I get to go... Home.

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